Today’s message at Hope River Church of God was so powerful to me. The beauty of our church site, should you want to check it out, is the sermons are available online.
Many of you who’ve been following me on my recovery journey know by my previous posts for the last few months that God has been working in great ways in my life. I give Him all the credit for my sobriety today.
I don’t know if I would’ve seen the damage I was doing, not only to myself but my family and friends, if it weren’t for His divine intervention.
That is what I call being pulled over while drinking and driving. I was blinded by Satan’s lies the first time. The second DUI I got was right after the first.
I signed into rehab the next day.
I boo-hoo’d to Jim and my mom over the phone in the days to follow. I thought it was the most terrible place the first few days of drying out and even though I voluntarily admitted myself I wondered if I really should’ve been there.
My shakes lessened and my head began to clear as time passed. I prayed I would get what I needed out of the time I had to be there, but I looked at it as a job in a way. I figured if it did nothing for me but to look good for the courts, I’d be content.
I was required to attend AA and NA meetings. I listened to war stories from other patients. I began to look at things in a different light. I didn’t see this as God’s light at the time, for I was still trying to run my own show so to say.
Twenty-one days later, I got in the car with Jim and came home. I’d learned much but still wasn’t sure how things would pan out. Sure I’d been sober for that time there, I had tools now that I didn’t have before, but this total giving control to God… that was just a bit much for me to grasp. I’d been giving Him things daily, sometimes minor things and sometimes major things but at that point I was still trying to run my own show.
I went back to work and was just cruising along. I thought I had everything in order, but the need to control things was ever present. I still prayed and gave little things to God, but I wasn’t changing my way of thinking. I was what people refer to as a dry drunk, control freak. I figured I’d been to meetings, I could control myself now in the drinking aspect. This attitude led not only to a relapse but to a rollercoaster ride through the hell of my own mind. As my court date loomed closer, my mind continued on a downward spiral. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel, God’s or otherwise.
I started drinking again, not like it had been, but I was drinking just the same. Spiritually I’d tried to convince God that I knew myself better than He did and I wasn’t really hurting anyone but myself. I can laugh at that stupidity now. Physically I was sick everyday, whether I drank or not. I’d come to think my life was not faceable. I contemplated suicide, my drinking continued.
I was pissed at myself, up to that point I’d managed forty-one days sober prior to that relapse. In a buzzed state, I poured out all my emotion and hurt to God. I yelled, my body shook and I sobbed until I’d run my tears dry. I knew I still had to go home. I dreaded facing everyone. I was a hot mess. I knew I needed help… professional help. Mentally, I was ruined at this point. That night, January 3, 2018, I went to the ER, that’s how you do it to be committed to the mental ward at DPH.
I spent a week in that locked unit. In that week I learned different things about myself, things I really didn’t want to face. Resentments I’d never let go of. I worked on changing my attitude and working through my baggage. The doctor’s worked on stabilizing my mental state by removing a medicine that was causing a bad interaction with my others. I actually convinced myself that medicine mix-up was why I drank. I was doing better or so I thought. I wasn’t contemplating suicide any longer. I didn’t really have the desire to drink either. Again I found myself in the car with Jim coming home.
The messages at church started hitting home on many levels again and I started to see little things changing. Court still loomed in my future. I knew my jail sentencing was coming. Satan again started… he needled my mind. Little whispers at first, then louder more intense talking, until he was screaming in my head. About this time I had the notion that voicing resentments to people would be a good idea. Why I had chosen this time when Satan’s pull was so strong was beyond me but it sure wasn’t a God thing. I let go of years of baggage in a single day, I seriously recommend you do not do it this way. Emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually, I was exhausted. I again turned to the/ old friend I had in the bottle.
Let me note at this point that God created us with free will for a reason. His humor amazes me at times. As I sat in my car, pouring yet another drink into my body I began coughing. My stomach started to spasm and next thing I know I leaning out my car door heaving my guts out. All four drinks worth. My chest was so tight I thought I was having a heart attack and my nose was on fire from the vodka that had exited my body via that route. Tears streamed down my cheeks, leaving a wake of ruined make-up in their path.
This relapse and bout of horrid heaving would prove to be the another intervention. One that actually set my heart and mind in tune. As I lay in bed that night, January 24th, I prayed like never before. I asked again for forgiveness, guidance and strength; this time I honestly believed I would get it. My body tingled and just then a train whistle blew in the distance. There in the deepest of night a light shined, lighting the train tracks before the engine. As it grew closer the light shined brighter. I took it as a sign of coming greatness. I found an inner peace that night about my upcoming court date. I was reciting the Serenity Prayer as I drifted off to sleep.
This is kinda how God’s light has been with me since, it a continuous greatness that shines into the darknesses of me. This is far from ironic that I feel this way since today’s sermon was put into those almost exact terms. My reaffirming light coming from heaven, through Pastor Dean.
Let’s forward along. February 9th, 2018… Court Day.
I woke tired, as I’d slept poorly due to nagging pain in my shoulders.
I had what I would refer to as calm nerves with a side of butterflies, but
I went into my morning prayers as humbled as I could be. I felt there was really no other way to approach the day, the Judge or the sentence he would pass. I had no control what-so-ever. I had to give the whole situation over to God to handle.
For the first time in as long as I could remember, I was honestly okay with that fact. If that wasn’t God’s light shining on me, I don’t know what was. This guiding light God gives continued while I was in jail…but that’s for another day…. To be continued…
Blessings TO All