Gifts Renewed

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.


When I first came here I was scared and also humbled in a different kind of way. I know God was working in me but it didn’t ease the fear much. Hard prayer and meditation seemed to be a constant thing. I was just a name here, just another messed up woman.

This past week has been full of interesting people and random thoughts. As I continue to pray for guidance and strength, I find I’m moved to write more and more. Monday I should get my last chapter I was working on in Maggie, and the real writing will begin. I’ve bee gifted by God to express myself in words and feelings, this is a gift I shut off when i was deep into my addiction. Today that gift is flowing and things are clear. My purpose is to reach just one, I hope I am doing so. This experience is God’s plan in motion for me. While the days are long and the end seems so far away, good things will come from it as we are promised.

Whatever you are facing today is another brick in your foundation. God’s love is the mortar that holds it together. I find with each passing thought and each written word I am closer to fulfilling my part in God’s book for this chapter and for my future.

Blessings to All


A Daily Reflection


Today leads to the next. I woke grateful for what little sleep I got. Time drags here but lots of time for personal reflection. i am drawn to scripture yet again.

“You Lord, I give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you.”     Isaiah 26:3 (TEV)

Today is but a season. Life is full of them but we can find hope in each season, for there is always a lesson with each.

As each day passes here, I find Iam looking for those hidden lessons. As I read scriptures and talk to other ladies I find we all are learning something and growing. Today I’m grateful for the little blessings life is bringing. While I’m away from family and friends they are never far from my thoughts as I am sure myself, Jim and the boys are in others thoughts as well.

God shows us how we may serve Him no matter where we are, we just have to listen for His guidance.

It’s been said many times and in many ways, Everything happens for a reason. We don’t have to understand it but we do have to accept it as it comes. We pull ourselves up from the ashes and are renewed. Finding God’s blessings in each day can sometimes be a challenge but facing those challenges everyday makes us stronger in self and stronger in faith. As I write home and to others I find I’m at a loss for words but full of thoughts. I guess it is to  be expected considering.

As I await the last chapter I was working on, my thoughts travel to my “Alpa Trilogy” and just how my experiences now will make the chapters to follow have so much more meaning.

As I plan out different parts of the months to come i find hope and strength in the ladies here. None of them are placed in my life by accident. Today i am grateful for women who understand, people who are wanting to help and blessings that come in the most unexpected places and times.

Blessings to All


I’m thankful I woke up this morning. I thankful for my sobriety. I’m thankful for sunrises and quiet moments. Even in this thankfulness and wonder this morning my emotions were all kinda messed up. I expected them to be today but wasn’t really prepared for the extent of them. I have Bipolar I, my cycles are rapid-cycling, and I can feel very high or very low multiple times in a week period. This morning those emotions were like an episode times ten. One minute I was crying in silence, the next I was trembling in fear. Then proud of myself for facing my defects  head on and working to make them better five minutes later.  It was nuts, I couldn’t keep up with my head and my heart. As I sucked down cup after cup of coffee, listened to music, wrote in my journal and smoked several cigarettes the notion that now was the perfect time to read my Bible screamed in my head. I just randomly flipped it open, this is the first Scripture I read.

“This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

If that wasn’t God talking right to my heart, I’ll eat my hat.

I flipped yet again at random, not really looking for anything specific. Again my eyes skimmed the words. This passage seemed to leap from the page.

Jeremiah 29:11 says:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

This verse does really give me comfort, maybe it does you too. The challenge in our lives is to accept this knowledge. I find that with each step in my recovery, I pray for knowledge of God’s will and for the strength to carry that will out in everyday life.

Facing life on life’s terms is not an easy feat but remembering that God is the author of this book helps me move toward Him better. Sure there are times I try to co-author this book. I find if I’m not doing things by His will I am short changing the adventure of the read, and bringing undue chaos to myself and those around me.

As God starts this next chapter in my life book tomorrow, I pray for strength and guidance. I pray the true purposes of His will being done are clear to me and that my faith shines through to others. The past is done… the future is unknown, but we all have today to be thankful and grow.

Blessings To All




Rambling thoughts for the day

Thank you Lord for waking me today. Thank you for semi restful sleep and less pain today. Today will be another day sober. Today will be another day to learn.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

I run on coffee… Today is oatmeal…not what I wanted, sigh. Nothing tastes right this week. Just as well; going for breakfast anyway in few hours.

Was great to visit with friends and just shooting the breeze about little things helped take my mind off upcoming events. As snow turned to sleet, we trucked home from breakfast. The roads were terrible, thankful we only live two miles from town. When we got home, Jim ran the snow blower and the kids shoveled. The sleet rained down on them as they worked.

Pain was creeping at this point in my chest, tiny spasms made concentrating hard. This is nothing new in life with my fibro. I laid down, heating pad in place once again and Prim sprawled out beside me. My mind was moving but my body wasn’t having it. Jim lay with me in an attempt to sleep before his upcoming work night. The list of to-dos ran through my mind…Laundry, dishes, blog ideas, supper, self-care, book work and a few odds and ends things to tie up the day.

Let’s say it is now 4:30, I’ve accomplished a load of dishes and clothes are in washer. Cat litter tended to and supper was made. Nails will be done shortly and some more journaling to be done. Book work… very likely…Not to bad I guess.

Today’s Scripture:

This is the day the Lord has made. We will be glad and rejoice in it. Psalms 118:24.

Some days just puttering gets things accomplished. Some days puttering is all we have energy for. Know what… I’m cool with that. Hope everyone is having a good day.

Blessings To All


Finding God again through self destruction

I saw this on a website I was reading the other day.


This is interesting to me in the simplest, but the most complex of ways. I can relate to the question on so many levels and see the answer to it from the many different seasons my life has been through, thus far.

As many of you follow along in my personal recovery journeys and read the heartfelt words I have to share, you know I normally turn to Scripture for comfort and guidance. This was not always the case however.

I originally had a King James Version of the Bible. I found it very hard to read and understand, so I did a common thing. I just didn’t read it.  I didn’t say it was the smart thing.

As time passed I felt drawn back to the Bible and bought one I could understand, one written in normal words to me. My New International Version was great. I could read it. Understanding was a different story though. Sure, I knew some of the stories… but seriously what was with all these names. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why God changed people’s names either, but I continued to read. The more I read, the more the stories came to life. This wasn’t so bad, I thought, but I still didn’t understand some of the messages hidden within those written words. Frustration crept in a bit at a time and again I quit reading. I mean I still went to church, heard the sermons and sang the songs…that was enough right??

I began to further damage my relationship with God. Bad things were happening. I thought I was being punished for not full-heartedly giving God the time He deserved. I still didn’t feel comfortable doing so. I started drinking here and there.  I had the attitude I wasn’t learning anything, going anywhere and was a nobody.  As I sat and listened in church, the words started to fall on deaf ears. I was there in body, but little else.

Who moved???

I felt farther from God than ever before. I would pray demanding prayers, thinking God would come to my way to thinking. I had rationalized all the pros and cons… surely He could see I knew what I was talking about and how it could benefit me in the long run.

My drinking increased, as did my demanding prayers, and things went from bad to worse. I got to the point of telling God, “You don’t listen to me anyway, and I don’t care. I know me better than anyone, but why can’t you just let this one thing happen?” I rationalized with God more. “I’ll try harder and won’t drink quite so much.” Again, I was met with silence. For months I prayed the same prayers, ones that ran in my head but not my heart.

Who moved??

Time passed rather quickly, we were already into a new year. Thoughts consumed me, the bad thoughts. I questioned everything, including my own reasons for living. “Where was God anyway?” He was suppose to love me, but still wasn’t listening. I become angry with myself for bothering and with God for leaving me. I quit praying for things. I simply thanked Him for the day, but I didn’t even mean that. I was sick of being in pain and forgetting things and working for next to nothing. Again my drinking increased.  I thought I was still in control however, I only had a few drinks a day. God still wasn’t listening, to my way of thinking, so my promises to Him didn’t count. I wasn’t hurting anyone but myself anyway.

Jim and the boys started riding me about my drinking. I started making excuses. I tried compromising by splitting them up with water or coffee. I realized I was thinking more and more about the bottle and less and less about God and my family.

Who moved??

After one particularly bad argument, I went to bed early or rather passed out in bed. I woke the next morning feeling the aftereffects of my drinking. Washing my face was even a chore that morning. As I peered at myself in the mirror, I realized I didn’t even know this person who reflected back. I was a hot mess. I looked at myself and in no uncertain terms told myself I had a drinking problem. The admission was hard, but everyone had been telling me for months this was the case. I wasn’t listening to them, but I knew I had to listen to myself.

I started attending meetings, but was still drinking on the sly. It wasn’t as much, but drinking just the same. I knew full-hearted I had a drinking problem, but still couldn’t quite accept that I was an alcoholic. I recited the Serenity Prayer and the Lord’s Prayer, but still was angry with myself and with God.

I listened to people share, I shared some myself. My heart slowly softened. My ears were opening and my willingness to accept reality that I was in fact a full-blown alcoholic sunk into my head. Now I just had to completely quit drinking. I wanted to but couldn’t seem to.

I started to open up my Bible again, but changed how I approached the process. Instead of reading big chunks at a time and confusing myself; I picked a book and read a section, then flipped to another book and did the same.  My prayers began to have a purpose. I asked repeatedly for God to remove my desire for the booze. I was doing good, I had almost a month sober, but things were happening…bad things in my head. “God, are you there?, I’m trying.”


More bad thoughts, a missed meeting… then two. “Why aren’t you talking to me, God?” Wait there was a whisper… “Is that you?”

Silence…then the whisper… I listened intently, waiting for my answer.

Just a drink…the bad thoughts will go away.

I knew in my mind this was not the voice I should be listening to. It only increased in volume. The nagging was there, and suddenly the desire to have a drink was strong. I’d love to say on that day that I won the battle of the devil’s voice, but I did not.  The cycle repeated itself over and over again. I couldn’t understand why, but the more I drank the less the the bad thoughts filtered into my mind.

Ashamed and feeling defeated I proceeded to drive home. I was pulled over. I didn’t care at that point. They drove me home after a while. Words were exchanged and I fell into bad. I’d failed. I never did say my prayers that night.

Who moved??

This evil whisper continued to plague me. The cycle repeated itself. James had to come pick me up. His embarrassment was at an all time high that night, he barely spoke on the way home.

I reached out the following morning. I would get professional help. I needed it and knew it.  I prayed with my heart I would get the most from these people and my time with them. I read, learned and wrote letters. I was growing. I was safe. I reached to God more. I was back into reading my Bible daily, sometimes more than once a day. I was forming a routine that included daily quiet time with God. I was finally on the right track.  Meetings were back into my life big time and I took something from every one. I was well on my way with my recovery. I was beating the devil down.

Homelife became different. I was guarded with my emotions but open-minded enough to talk about my alcoholism. My family and friends were beyond supportive. Life had a different meaning. I was unsure where it was going but I had a strong foundation that I was building. The tools were all there, I just had to decide which I would use.

A month or so passed. The whisper was back, I fought to ignore it. Life was in an uproar. My emotions were off the map, my mental stability still crumbled. Farther and farther I pulled back inside. I went through the daily routine, making it seem like I had it together and was good to go on all levels. I was quite the actress, but doubt I fooled them entirely.  I quit reaching toward my family and toward God on my behalf. I prayed for others repeatedly knowing He would answer for them, but I again doubted He understood the mess my head was in. I slipped yet again. I wondered what was wrong with me.

Who moved??

I sat in the car contemplating my options. I drove to my counseling place. I talked and cried and talked some more. I’d never hit this low before. My thoughts scared me. I talked more. They wouldn’t let me leave. Jim and James came. I knew I was a danger to myself. The whisper was strong. It combined with so many other made-up voices in my head. More talking. I just wanted the mood to stop. I wanted to end the noise in my head. Somewhere deep inside I heard a different voice.

Come to me, you are weary… I will give you rest.

We rode home in near silence, I didn’t feel like talking anymore. I just wanted to sleep away this mood. Sleep I did. When I woke the thoughts were still screaming within my mind. I reached for my phone. I was advised to go to the ER, and we would proceed from there.

As I answered questions and reflected on this choice, I wondered if it was the right one. I wasn’t nuts, I was just not in a good frame of mind. I was in a self harm state. As I waited for the ambulance to transport me my mind still flew. I wanted coffee, food and a cigarette. Why couldn’t I just be normal???

Come to me, you are weary… I will give you rest.

I crawled into the bed in the wee hours of the morning. I was exhausted on every level. Sleep came hard that night, but I knew I was in the right place. I woke early, in search of coffee. I was locked in and all they had to offer was instant decaf, again I questioned if this was the right place for me.

Committed…It seemed like such a harsh word, but I’d done it myself. I had to get well, I knew they could help me. I thought of the drink, then I thought of the havoc it had caused and the place it played in my being where I was. Suddenly it was an enemy, one to be destroyed.

Come to me, you are weary…I will give you rest

I attended groups, talked with the shrink, talked with the patients. I could have visitors and while I was locked in, I didn’t feel alone and I didn’t feel sick, I was just messed up a bit. These people knew what I was feeling and facing in my head. I made friends and started getting to the root of certain issues. I was healing. My bible reading again became a daily thing. Journaling took a different turn too. My prayers were focused on recovery, not demands.  The thoughts of suicide were a distant memory. I had things to live for.

Home again, I had positive thoughts and an interesting outlook on things. I was back to work and moving along. Life was still happening at a quick pace, but time was running down. I would soon face the consequences of my previous actions. The devil’s whisper came back, God smashed it down.

Suddenly I was deep into my head again. I called off from work, and sat and thought of the upcoming events I knew would transpire. I listened to the battle inside my head for hours. Good vs. evil. Rational vs. irrational. Time to go home. I missed work again, and was advised I should  get myself together and reapply once I did. I sat and cried for a job wasn’t even sure I liked. A paycheck that I wouldn’t be getting and for the future I couldn’t control. Devil Whispers in my head.

Who moved??

That weekend was mostly uneventful but did have awesome 1 on 1 session, and great woman’s group. Monday and the task at hand filtered into my mind. I tried to think of anything but cleaning out my desk. I asked God to be with me. Repeatedly I was told by people I talked with that when one door closed another opened. I knew this is be true, the past had proven it time and time again. I did what I had to do, and came home. As I pulled into the driveway a calming peace came over me.

I began planning a list of to-dos for the week that lay ahead. I still began each day early and my routine varied little. I managed cleaning I hadn’t done in ages and getting caught up on laundry. I also managed more self care and more reading. I began letting go of the emotional baggage that led me to drink and become so mentally unstable. God was working in my life and I was working for it. Recovery became a true real priority.

Who moved??

As I continue to grow, learn and retain my sobriety I find each day has  many hidden blessings within. When I focus on those blessings the temptations are gone but never forgotten.

Our pasts form us, our presents are meant to be lived and our futures are out of our control. As I continue to read my Bible, I find things that once made little sense are beginning to. If I take the time to listen fully, God is talking. As I face this next chapter, I can indeed do so willingly but only through Christ, my families and my own belief.

When I ask myself that question now, today, I can say God and I are moving toward each other and we are both doing something to do so.


So if you every question God and His seeming far away…Ask yourself


I thank God for my sobriety, my family and friends and the lessons I’m learning as well as the ones I have yet to learn.

Blessings To All

















Murder and Mayhem… where have you been???

No, I’m not commiting murder except through my characters. Mayhem…well guess that depends on how you define mayhem.

For the last year or so I’ve sparingly worked on my trilogy. When I say sparingly I mean I’ve written things in my head but didn’t type them out.

As I travel my road to recovery from alcoholism and mental issues, I find my characters beg to be written. The scenes are unfolding, the plot is twisting and the future is unknown…Below is an excerpt from Case 219, Book One in the Alpa Trilogy.  Coming Summer 2018.


He watched her fight against the ropes that bound her.

The fire’s glow highlighted her amber hair. Her sobs were muffled from the gag he’d yet to remove. His heart hammered in his chest and raw power coursed through him as he explained what he would do to her. Excitement burned in him as he walked toward her and ran the knife along her leg. Her body twitched as his cold steel ran across her thigh. As he removed her gag her piercing screams echoed, breaking the sounds of the night as he made the first shallow cut.


Looking back…Looking Ahead… A personal journey

As I look back on my blog posts for last year, I found many untitled ones, and just as many untagged ones… What was wrong with me anyway?

Well, life was happening from inside a bottle, that’s what was happening.  Does that make me a bad person…No it doesn’t, but it made me an alcoholic in every way, shape and form.

Addictive tendencies and full blown addiction can happen to anyone. Age, sex, gender, and race don’t matter. The type of addiction doesn’t matter. There are many things people become addicted to. Maybe food is your crutch or obsessive gambling; work, exercise, sex, porn, pills, alcohol, IV drugs…Man I could go on forever.

Believe it or not there are millions of people who are addicted. Many are addicted and don’t even realize it. Others know they are, but have no real clue how to stop their destructive behavior. Some never get the chance to figure out what they are doing to themselves and others, death takes them way to soon. Perhaps you are one that can admit an addiction or addictive tendencies, but care to do little about it.

I was one of those for a while. I knew my drinking was getting out of hand. I knew I should seek help…my attitude kept me from reaching out for the help I desperately needed. The more arguments that broke out over my drinking…the more I drank. It was my “out” of reality for a few hours, my friend when I felt alone. It numbed the pain, all the pain. Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual…All of it gone with those couple drinks. I was a functioning alcoholic. I led myself to believe I still had control.

As months passed, I spent more and more  money supporting my habit, not only by running up credit cards but also taking bill money to get my daily numb on. I lied, made up excuses and became a person that couldn’t be dependable. I’d become the type of person I loathed. I placed blame. As I crawled deeper inside my head and deeper inside the vodka bottle my mental stability grew worse and worse. My mental state suffered at times when I wasn’t even drinking.  I was killing myself from the inside out. I suddenly looked very old. I still took care of myself  as far as hygiene goes, but put very little effort into me. I quit wearing make-up and didn’t care if I went out in ripped up clothes. I missed work repeatedly. I was physically ill. I knew my faith was there, but doubted not only God’s love but everyone else’s too. I was a hot mess on legs. Everything was falling apart before me and I’d caused it.  I’d given up on myself. I quit writing. I quit socializing. I pulled inside and hid in fear. I’d turned into exactly what I didn’t want to.

They say unless you hit bottom, you will not climb to the top…This for me was September 2017. Things could’ve been worse looking back now, I could’ve lost everything I hold dear from my destructive behavior.

I finally admitted I needed help, I was totally unmanageable on every level of my being. Maybe you feel this way now… Help is out there, but you have to want to take the steps to recover. Nobody can make that choice for you.

I can tell you this journey is not easy going some days. It takes a lot of guts to admit our problems, no matter what they might be. It takes strength and courage to reach out. Again, help is out there. It takes faith and perseverance to stay on the path of recovery.

I’ve backslid a few times in this journey, but I can safely say now…once you get it…you get it, Period.

I got help, I got sober, I renewed my faith and I’m taking control of my life once more. You can too.

Blessings to All


Alcoholics Anynomous

Narcotics Anynomous

Overeaters Anynomous

Gamblers Anynomous