Quiet reflections are in order, been managing this a lot and today is no exception. As our family vacation trip comes to an end I am looking back on the week we had and the memories we’ve made. Steps were taken to rebuild the levels that make our family so strong. Levels which we all had a part of peeling away in the last year or so. Layers that I had the biggest part in tearing away. I lost my hope, my way, my senses and almost my family. I quit trying. I quit talking. I just sorta threw in towel and went through motions to make it seem like I was in control.
You never realize just out of control you can become when you are in the depths of Satan hands. His will to break you is strong and voice is always nagging. He breaks you down bit by bit until you are a shell of what you once were. Let me say I was that person. I was the one that left my safe God guided path. Let me also say this you can be on the downside of Satan’s mountain and headed for the pits of hell and still God is there ready and willing to throw you a life line. He did just that for me. He did that through Officer Alexander. My reality check was crystal clear. I sat back and thought of the consequences of my actions for the past year. The powers of bipolar, addictions, fibro and stress were killing me. I was spinning in a downward spiral of depression, anxiety, pain and booze. My body was falling apart before my eyes and until that moment I still hadn’t realized how out of control I’d become. I was spending money we didn’t have and doing so without a care. Yes all this can come from my disorders. Yes all of them I’ve dealt with before. But those previous lessons were not remembered. God was still waiting. My family was still waiting. Deep down I was waiting..when you dig yourself into a pit of dire straights who do you turn to??
The answers were right in front f my face. I was at war with myself in my mind. The war I was losing.
I picked up my copy of battlefield of the mind book my wonderful and faithful, loving sister in Christ , Becky, bought me and started reading. I re-read the chapters I had previously read. I read the book then started reading it again.
My own mind and Satan’s pull were were working together. I’d lost my faith. Not totally mind you but close enough to effect every aspect of mine and many others lives. God was still waiting…my family was still waiting…I was still waiting…what I was waiting for I have no clue. I prayed hard that night and sent up quiet thanks. It could’ve gone much worse. God was with me. I knew He’d always been in my heart but my mind was still feeling the pull of Satan’s lies. I didn’t sleep much that night. As I lay in bed thinking of the horrible mess I’d made of things silent tears fell. I was at the bottom of the pit of despair. I hadn’t cared about anything, including myself for a long time. I realized I missed the woman I was and the clarity I used to have.
I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed for strength, I prayed that I’d still have my family come morning.
God was listening, He heard me. I went to work the a.m. shift only to be told I wasn’t allowed to work. I was upset but understood why. I ran a few errands and went to camp. After all this turn of events just made vacation start earlier in the day. A blessing some would say, but I was beside myself with worry the whole way. I pulled into camp, unloaded the car and prayed for relaxation. My nerves were at the verge of nervous breakdown level. Add to that the numbness of my shoulder and arm and knowing that I was behind on things had me running to the bathroom to cry. My guys didn’t need to see me fall apart. This was vacation. I was determined to not bring everyone down. I was determined to find myself again.
As I lay there that night listening to everyone around me snore, I prayed for rest. I was beyond weary, I felt broken.
I slept for an hour then was yet again wide awake, my mind flying. I prayed again for peacefulness and sleep to come. The tension in my neck, shoulders and chest was terrible. The numbness in my arm was constant. I lay in that bed for hours trying to find a solution to my mess.
I watched the sun rise Monday morning. The sky was beautiful. I looked to the sky…there in the clouds was an outstretched hand. I knew this was God reaching for me. I actually reached out in an attempt to grasp it. I knew at that moment I was going to make it through this, I didn’t know how but I knew I would. I went back inside and crawled into bed. I slept for two solid hours. When I woke I felt a peace surround me. I ran errands and made calls. I still wasn’t tension free, I still had many worries crowding my mind. God was waiting on me yet again. I felt tension rising yet again as I drove. I was determined to face these issues alone. I figured I made the mess and had to fix the mess alone.
What I had forgotten was I’m never alone. I’d forgotten to lean on my support team, forgotten to talk and forgotten that it takes strength to reach out. I felt weak, I figured everyone would see me as weak.
When I arrived back at camp for the second time that day, I remembered the peace I had felt not but hours before. I remembered the wonder of the sky and clouds. I knew I couldn’t do this alone. I prayed hard. I talked with Jim. I reached like I had for God’s hand earlier. Worry was still there but I found that peace once more. I began to relax, I began to think of options we might have. I pondered why Jim was so calm. His answer was simple… “God’s got our backs, we will get through this.”
I had to trust, even if I wasn’t fully trusted. I wrote in my journal. I listened to music, I talked more.
As the week went on we tried to do many family things, something we hadn’t done in some time. We were rebuilding our layers. I still dunno what is going to happen or just how we will manage but we are fighting together and know what God has our backs…
Never be afraid to reach….They say when one door closes another opens. I hope when God tells me more I won’t be afraid to walk through the door.
Blessings to All